Chilli 2 Ways

I have wanted to make chili for KG for a while now.  I loved the idea of a pot of chili simmering on the stove on a Sunday, while we spend the day inside reading, watching TV, cuddling, whatever.  I imagined a cold winter day, when we had no incentive to go outside.  Instead, I made it last night.  

It was a Sunday but thanks to global warming it was a beautiful day outside.  We had spent time at the park next to the airport and then went shopping.  We drove around with the windows down and the radio almost blasting.   

KG has a hard time with wasting food.  I am learning to be much better about that thanks to him.  A couple of weeks ago he had to throw away some meat because he hadn’t wrapped it properly before it went into the freezer, so he was feeling nervous about the ground beef we had bought to make over New Year’s.  So we agreed to make the chili, or that I would make the chili. 

Growing up, one of the reasons I loved chili was the sour cream my mom used to thicken it up and the cheddar cheese that would ooze off the spoon.  Sour cream and chili were as important to chili as the chili powder and beans.  Of course, with KG I can’t put in the sour cream and chili.  One of the first rules of kosher is that you cannot cook a calf in its mother’s milk, so no mixing milk and meat.  So no sour cream and cheddar in the chili.  

As we discussed the chili throughout the day all I could think about was the cheese that would be missing from tonight’s dinner with KG.  And how I would have to give that up as we build a life together.  And that if I only ate a little at his house I could take the rest home and use up the cheddar cheese I had in the fridge left over from the nachos I made Christmas Eve (or Monday night as it was known in our house.)  

Which is exactly what I did. 

That isn’t a good compromise.  If we move forward I won’t be able to go home and sneak the chili the way I like it, the unkosher way. 

One of the things I struggle with is why do I have to give up things I love, like cheddar cheese in chili, because I also love him?  It’s not fair.  Why did this happen to me?  KG arrived at a time in my life when I needed him the most.  (More on that later.)  And my shrink had prepared me for years for the fact that my prince would not be perfect, because no one’s ever is.  But why does loving my prince mean no more cheddar in my chili? 

This theme will occur again and again.  I will whine about it.  A lot.  (I’m a bit of a whiner anyway.)  One of my hopes with this blog is that a) I will get tired of whining about it and move on and/or b) someone out there, who is going through the same thing, will tell me how they get through this change.